Monday, November 10, 2008

I got demons.

But then again, who the hell doesn't. There are many things I wish I'd done in my life so far. Many decisions I'd like to have back...yadda yadda. Sometimes I get really down because of this. Sometimes I get those voices of regret in the back of my head telling me that if I'd only done this, or said that, or changed something, I wouldn't be in the position I'm in now.

I never imagined myself being where I am at this point in my life. When I was 17, I imagined that in ten years time, I would have been married and most likely looking forward to my first child. Wow, couldn't have been more off! Neither of the two have yet to materialize, and that's probably a good thing.

I've learned a lot in my 27 years on this planet. Some good, and a lot bad. But more importantly, I've learned them all. Sure there are a lot of things I'd take back and change if I could. Those are my demons. I guess those are the things I really need to work out in my head. I'm the only one that hears them right?

I find that most often I get into these ruts on the end of having done something great. At this point, I'm guessing I'm in a bit of a personal rut because work and training are going great. I'm busier than I've ever been with work, and my client list continues to grow. Training is going great as well. I'm focused and motivated like never before. Having set out specific goals and going about completing them has really given me a valuable lesson that can cross over to other areas of my life.

So why are my demons getting in my way now? I don't know. I guess it comes with success. I'm a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to competition. I'm constantly comparing myself to others around me. In this case, it's the friends I have that are doing better than I am. I have friends that are professional athletes, stock brokers (don't want to be that right now:)), and lawyers. I have friends that own a home, have a wife, and are putting money towards retirement. All this by 30. Wow, what the hell happened to me?

I guess when you take things into perspective, I'm not doing bad. I have a girlfriend who I'm madly in love with, I love my work, I love my training, and I'm most importantly blessed to have a family that puts up with all my bullshit, no questions asked. So again, why the demons? Because I'm cursed with competitiveness. I'm determined never to be complacent. I guess this is a good thing, but where is it gonna end? A football coach once told me to never be content with anything-and I've tried to live that way since. But my question now is, where does it end? And does it end? Am I going to go to the grave yearning for more out of life? I don't know.

There are many things I've learned so far, and even more that I haven't. As I search for the answers, the one thing I do know is that I'm always going to strive to be the best, not MY best, but THE best. Will I always get there? Probably not. Am I going to have more failures in life than victories? Probably. But I don't know, I just can't help it. I'm not going to let my demons get me down. I can't say that they won't always be there, but my hope is that I can beat them down into the basement and tie them up. Control is the key here, and I'm workin' on it.

Push 'till ya puke...Always.

No comments: